SmartPeoples Guide

Joke Page 2 - If you need more laughs, maybe this page will help.

This area is reserved for the best of the good ones !

Hello from Frenchie,

Tis time to make Merry and enjoy being with friends. Why not tell each other some good jokes . . . hope you all enjoy it!


 

Fun Things to do in an Office

1. Remove the jug from the water cooler and drink from it periodically, bragging that you 'got the last one.' 2. Photocopy things around the office, such as lamps, potted plants, staplers, etc. If someone asks about it, just say 'You never can be too careful.' 3. Turn your radio up full blast and sing along loudly with the song. Invite others to join you. 4. Pretend to be hypnotized by someone's screen saver. 5. Go into someone's office, grab a book from their shelves, and begin reading it aloud to them. If they interrupt, give them an evil look. 6. Give a secretary a copy of Hamlet and ask them to proofread it. 7. Use a hole punch to punch holes in all your outgoing mail. Explain that the holes 'make it more aerodynamic'. 8. Bring a lawnmower into the office and pretend to mow the carpet. 9. Bring a TV remote control to the office and try to 'change the channel' on people's computers. When it doesn't work, mumble something about 'cheap Japanese crap.' 10. Pull a chair up to your window and pretend to be working at a drive-through. 11. Stand at the washroom door carrying a baseball bat and ask everyone in a low voice if they washed their hands. 12. Gnaw on your mouse, make cat noises, and lick your hands from time to time. 13. Walk into people's offices, taking a careful look around. Talk into your shirt, saying 'No sign of him yet, Chief.' 14. When the phone rings, answer by saying 'KBBL, you're on the air.' 15. Proudly show everyone your calculator and hand out cigars. Tell them your computer just had a baby. 16. Paint your face blue and start searching around in people's desk drawers. Ask them if they've seen your pills. 17. Create a document that is entirely black and print hundreds of copies. Use the print-outs as wallpaper for your office. 18. Build a fire pit out of cinder blocks in the staff room. Place a stack of firewood in the corner, along with matches, lighter fluid, hot dogs, and marshmallows. 19. Place a row of liquor bottles on your desk, and a sign on your door which reads 'NO COVER!' Announce loudly that it's happy hour. 20. Get in the elevator and pretend to hold the door open for invisible people.

How to Fish?

Il y avait deux vieux garçons d'Alabama qui a aimé pêcher. Ils ont voulu faire une certaine pêche de glace qu'ils entendu environ au Canada, ainsi ils ont décollé pour l'essayer. Le lac a été gelé bien, ainsi ils se sont arrêtés juste avant qu'ils soient arrivés au lac à un peu de magasin d'amorce et aient obtenu tout leur attirail. Un d'eux a indiqué, " nous allons avoir besoin d'une sélection de glace. " Après qu'ils aient obtenu leur équipement, ils ont décollé. En environ deux heures, un d'elles était de retour au magasin et dit, " nous allons avoir besoin d'encore sélections de douzaine glaces. " Il a vendu à gauche lui les sélections, et le vieux garçon. Dans environ une heure, il était de retour au magasin et dit, " nous allons avoir besoin de toutes les sélections de glace que vous avez. " L'homme d'amorce ne pourrait pas la tenir plus longue. " d'ailleurs, " il a demandé, " comment allez vous les camarades faisant? " " pas très bien du tout, " il a dit. " nous n'avons pas même le bateau stupide dans l'eau encore. " ============ There were two old boys from Alabama who loved to fish. They wanted to do some ice fishing that they'd heard about in Canada, so they took off to try it. The lake was frozen nicely, so they stopped just before they got to the lake at a little bait shop and got all their tackle. One of them said, "We're going to need an ice pick." After they got their equipment, they took off. In about two hours, one of them was back at the shop and said, "We're going to need another dozen ice picks." He sold him the picks, and the old boy left. In about an hour, he was back at the shop and said, "We're going to need all the ice picks you've got." The bait man couldn't stand it any longer. "By the way," he asked, "how are you fellows doing?" "Not very well at all," he said. "We don't even have the stupid boat in the water yet."

Fish Story

It was a cold winter day, when an old man walked out onto a frozen lake, cut a hole in the ice, dropped in his fishing line and began waiting for a fish to bite. He was there for almost an hour without even a nibble when a young boy walked out onto the ice, cut a hole in the ice not to far from the old man and dropped in his fishing line. It only took about a minute and WHAM! A Largemouth Bass hit his hook and the boy pulled in the fish. The old man couldn't believe it but figured it was just luck. But, the boy dropped in his line and again within just a few minutes pulled in another one. This went on and on until finally the old man couldn't take it any more since he hadn't caught a thing all this time. He went to the boy and said, "Son, I've been here for over an hour without even a nibble. You have been here only a few minutes and have caught about half a dozen fish! How do you do it?" The boy responded, "Roo raf roo reep ra rums rrarm." "What was that?" the old man asked. Again the boy responded, "Roo raf roo reep ra rums rarrm." "Look," said the old man, "I can't understand a word you are saying." So, the boy spit into his hand and said, "You have to keep the worms warm!"

Are you laughing yet ?


Three doctors were driving together to the hospital when they had an accident and all three died. They found themselves in front of the Pearly Gates, with St. Peter there shaking his head. "Gentlemen, I'm afraid Heaven is full - we just don't have room for you here," said St. Peter. "But, St. Peter, surely you recognize me!" the first doctor exclaimed. "I developed the DNA theory, and have helped improve millions of lives through my work." St. Peter shook his head, thinking, and finally said, "You're right, we just have to let you in. Come on ,we'll make room somehow." "And I know you recognize me, St. Peter," the second doctor said. "I developed the MRI, and because of my machine, millions of people with medical problems are helped." Again St. Peter is moved. "Yes, come on in. Surely you deserve to be here, too," he replies. Finally, the last doctor pipes in, "St. Peter, you must also know me I'm the doctor who developed HMOs." To this St. Peter only hesitates a moment, and then replies, "Yes, you, too, have a place in Heaven . . . . . . but you can only stay 3 days ===========

BRAKES

An Amish lady is trotting down the road in her horse and buggy when she is pulled over by a cop. Cop: Ma'am, I'm not going to ticket you, but I do have to issue you a warning. You have a broken reflector on your buggy. Amish Lady: Oh Mercy, officer! And thank you! You can be sure I'll tell my Jacob, as soon as I get home. Cop: That's fine. One other thing, ma'am I don't like the way that one rein loops across the horse's back and around one of his testicles. I consider that cruelty to animals. Have your husband take care of that right away! So, later on at home, the lady is telling Jacob about her encounter with the cop. Jacob: Rachel, dear, what exactly did the man say? Rachel: He said the reflector is broken. Jacob: Rest easy, woman. I can fix that in two minutes. What else? Rachel: I'm not sure, Jacob, something about the emergency brake! ===============

A Texan's Guide to Life

Don't squat with your spurs on. Good judgment comes from experience, and a lot of that comes from bad judgment. Lettin' the cat outta the bag is a whole lot easier 'n puttin' it back in. Never drop yer gun to hug a grizzly. If you're ridin' ahead of the herd, take a look back every now and then to make sure it's still there. If you get to thinkin' you're a person of some influence, try orderin' somebody else's dog around. After eating an entire bull, a mountain lion felt so good he started roaring. He kept it up until a hunter came along and shot him........... The moral: When you're full of bull, keep your mouth shut. Never kick a cow chip on a hot day. There's two theories to arguin' with a woman. Neither one works. Don't worry about bitin' off more than you can chew. Your mouth is probably a whole lot bigger'n you think. If you find yourself in a hole, the first thing to do is stop diggin'. Never slap a man who's chewin' tobacco. It don't take a genius to spot a goat in a flock of sheep. Always drink upstream from the herd. When you give a lesson in meanness to a critter or a person, don't be surprised if they learn their lesson. When you're throwin' your weight around, be ready to have it thrown around by somebody else. Always take a good look at what you're about to eat. It's important to know what it is, but you might need to know what it was. The quickest way to double your money is to fold it over and put it back in your pocket. Never miss a good chance to shut up. There are three kinds of men: The one that learns by reading. The few who learn by observation. The rest of them have to pee on the electric fence for themselves.

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This page is dated April 2000