SmartPeoples Guide

Joke Page 1 - If you need a laugh, maybe this page will help.

This area is reserved for the best of the good ones !

Fact or Fiction!

Hello from Frenchie, Tis time to enjoy being with friends. Take the time to enjoy the happy days in your lives. But it is also time for a good laugh; I would be less than gracious to have one in hand and not to share it. So . . .




DIARY OF A  MINNESOTA SNOW SHOVELER

December 8: 6:00 PM.  It started to snow.  The first snow
of the season and the wife and  I  took our cocktails and sat for hours
by the window watching the huge soft flakes drift down from heaven.  It
looked like a Grandma Moses Print.  So romantic we felt like newlyweds
again.  I  love snow!   covering every inch of the landscape.  What a
fantastic sight! Can there be a more lovely place in the Whole World?
Moving here was the best idea I've ever had.  Shoveled for the first time
in years and felt like a boy again.  I did both our driveway and the
sidewalks. This afternoon the snow plow came along and covered up the
sidewalks and closed in the driveway, so I got to shovel again.  What a
perfect life.

December 12:  The sun has melted all our lovely snow.  Such
a disappointment.  My neighbor tells me not to worry, we'll
definitely have a white Christmas.  No snow on Christmas would be
awful!  Bob says we'll have so much snow by the end of winter, that I'll
never want to see snow again. I don't think that's possible.  Bob is such
a nice man. I'm glad he's our neighbor.

December 14:  Snow, lovely snow!  8" last night.  The
temperature dropped to -20. The cold makes everything sparkle so.
The wind took my  breath away, but I warmed up by shoveling the driveway
and sidewalks. This is the life!  The snowplow came back this
afternoon and buried everything again.  I didn't realize I would have to
do quite this much shoveling, but I'll certainly get back in shape this
way.  I wish I wouldn't huff and puff so.

December 15:  20 inches forecast.  Sold my van and bought a
4x4 Blazer. Bought snow tires for the wife's car and 2 extra shovels.
Stocked the freezer. The wife wants a wood stove in case the
electricity goes out. I think  that's silly. We aren't in Alaska, after all.

December 16:  Ice storm this morning.  Fell on my ass on
the ice in the driveway putting down salt.  Hurt like hell.  The wife
laughed for an hour, which I think was very cruel.

December 17:  Still way below freezing.  Roads are too icy
to go anywhere.  Electricity was off for 5 hours.  I had to pile
the blankets on to stay warm.  Nothing to do but stare at the wife and
try not to irritate her.
Guess I should've bought a wood stove, but won't admit it
to her.  God! I hate it when she's right.  I can't believe I'm freezing
to death in my own living room.

December 20:  Electricity's back on, but had another 14" of
the damn stuff last night.  More shoveling.  Took all day. Goddam
snowplow came by  twice.  Tried to find a neighbor kid to shovel, but
they said they're too busy playing hockey.  I think they're lying.
Called the only hardware store around to see about buying a snow
blower and they're out.  Might have another shipment in March.  I think
they're lying.  Bob says I have to shovel or the city will have it done and
bill me.  I think he's lying.

December 22: Bob was right about a white Christmas because
13 more  inches of the white shit fell today, and it's so cold it
probably won't melt till August.  Took me 45 minutes to get all dressed up
to go out to shovel and then I had to piss.  By the time I got
undressed, pissed and dressed again I was too tired to shovel.  Tried to hire Bob
who has a plow on his truck for the rest of the winter; but he says
he's too busy. I think the asshole is lying.

December 23: Only 2" of snow today.  And it warmed up to 0.
The wife wanted me to decorate the front of the house this morning.
What is she...nuts???  Why didn't she tell me to do that a month
ago?  She says she did but I think she's lying.

 December 24:  6".  Snow packed so hard by snowplow,
 l broke the shovel. Thought I was having a heart attack.  If I ever catch
the son of a bitch who drives that snowplow,  I'll drag him through the
snow by his balls. I  know he hides around the corner and waits for me to
finish shoveling and  then he comes down the street at 100 miles an hour
and throws snow all over where I've just been!  Tonight the wife wanted me
to sing Christmas carols with her and open our presents, but I was
busy watching for the goddam snowplow.

December 25:  Merry Christmas.  20 more inches of the
goddamed slop tonight.  Snowed in.  The idea of shoveling makes my blood
boil.  God I hate  the snow!  Then the snowplow driver came by asking
for a donation and I hit him over the head with my shovel.  The wife says
I have a bad attitude.  I think she's an idiot.  If I have to watch
"It's a Wonderful Life" one  more time, I'm going to kill her.

December 26:  Still snowed in.  Why the hell did I ever
move here?  It was all HER idea.  She's really getting on my nerves.

December 27:  Temperature dropped to -30 and the pipes
froze. 

December 28:  Warmed up to above -50.  Still snowed in.
THE BITCH is driving me crazy!!!

December 29:  10 more inches.  Bob says I have to shovel
the roof or it could cave in.  That's the silliest thing I ever heard.
How dumb does he  think I am?

December 30:  Roof caved in.  The snow plow driver is suing
me for a million dollars for the bump on his head.  The wife went
home to her mother.  9" predicted.

December 31:  Set fire to what's left of the house.  No
more shoveling.

January 8:  I feel so good.  I just love those little white
pills they keep giving me. Why am I tied to the bed?


			============================
			

Brenda O'Malley is home as usual, making dinner, when
Tim Finnegan = arrives at her door.

"Brenda, may I come in?" he asks, "I've somethin' to
tell ya."

"Of course you can come in, you're always welcome,
Tim.  But where's my = husband?"

"That's what I'm here to be tellin' ya, Brenda.  There
was an accident = down at the Guinness Brewery."

"Oh, God no!"  cries Brenda, "Please don't tell me."

"I must, Brenda. Your  husband Seamus is dead and
gone.  I'm sorry."

Brenda reached a hand to her side, found the arm of
the rocking chair by the fireplace, pulled the chair to
her and collapsed into it.  She wept for many minutes.
Finally she looked up at Tim.  "How did it happen,Tim?"

"It was terrible, Brenda.  He fell into a vat of
Guinness Stout and drowned."

"Oh my dear!  But you must tell me the truth, Tim.
Did he at least go quickly?"

"Well, no Brenda......no."

"No?"

"Fact is, he got out three times to pee."


				========================

Jesus was walking around Jerusalem. He thought he
could use a new robe. He found a tailor named Finklestein
who made him a beautiful robe. Jesus said to Finklestein,
"What do I owe you?"

"You owe me nothing. Just mention as you go around
giving those sermons that Finklestein made your robe."
Jesus agreed.

A few months later, Jesus was back in Jerusalem and
stopped by  Finklestein to see how he was doing.
Finklestein said he was very busy making robes and
business was great. Finklestein suggested to Jesus
that they go into business together.

Jesus agreed and said that the firm should be called
"Jesus and Finklestein."

Finklestein said that it should be "Finklestein and
Jesus."

They argued for hours. Finally they settled on "Lord
and Tailor."

						-----

"DIARY OF A MAD SHOVELER OR 30 DAYS TO A NERVOUS BREAKDOWN"

December 8: 6:00 PM. It started to snow. The first snow of the season and the wife and I took our cocktails andsat for hours by the window watching the huge soft
flakes drift down from heaven. It looked like a Grandma Moses Print. So romantic we felt like newlyweds again. I love snow! December 9: We woke to a beautiful blanket of crystal white snow covering every inch of the landscape. What a fantastic sight! Can there be a more lovely place in the Whole World? Moving here was the best idea I've
ever had. Shoveled for the first time in years and felt like a boy again. I did both our driveway and the sidewalks. This afternoon the snowplow came along and covered up the sidewalks and closed in the driveway, so I got to shovel again. What a perfect life. December 12: The sun has melted all our lovely snow. Such a disappointment. My neighbor tells me not to worry, we'll definitely have a white Christmas. No snow on Christmas would be awful! Bob says we'll have so much snow by the end of winter, that I'll never want to see snow again. I don't think that's possible. Bob is such a nice man I'm glad he's our neighbor. December 14: Snow lovely snow! 8" last night. The temperature dropped to -20. The cold makes everything sparkle so. The wind took my breath away, but I warmed up by shoveling the driveway and sidewalks. This is the life! The snowplow came back this afternoon and buried
everything again. I didn't realize I would have to do quite this much shoveling, but I'll certainly get back in shape this way. I wish I wouldn't huff and puff so. December 15: 20 inches forecast. Sold my van and bought a 4x4 Blazer. Bought snow tires for the wife's car and 2 extra shovels. Stocked the freezer. The wife wants a wood stove in case the electricity goes out. I think that's silly. We aren't in Alaska, after all. December 16: Ice storm this morning. Fell on my ass on the ice in the driveway putting down salt. Hurt like hell. The wife laughed for an hour, Which I think was very cruel. December 17: Still way below freezing. Roads are too icy to go anywhere. Electricity was off for 5 hours. I had to pile the blankets on to stay warm. Nothing to do but stare at the wife and try not to irritate her. Guess I should've bought a wood stove, but won't admit it to her. God I hate it when she's right. I can't believe I'm freezing to death in my own living room. December 20: Electricity's back on, but had another 14" of the damn stuff last night. More shoveling. Took all
day. Goddamn snowplow came by twice. Tried to find a neighbor kid to shovel, but they said they're too busy playing hockey. I think they're lying. Called the only hardware store around to see about buying a snow blower and they're out. Might have another shipment in March. I think they're lying. Bob says I have to shovel or the city will have it done and bill me. I think he's lying. December 22: Bob was right about a white Christmas because 13 more inches of the white shit fell today, and it's so cold it probably won't melt till August. Took me 45 minutes to get all dressed up to go out to shovel and then I had to piss. By the time I got undressed, pissed and dressed again. I was too tired to shovel. Tried to hire Bob who has a plow on his truck for the rest of the winter; but he says he's too busy. I think the asshole is lying. December 23: Only 2" of snow today and it warmed up to 0. The wife wanted me to decorate the front of the house this morning. What is she nuts!!! Why didn't she tell me to do that a month ago? She says she did but I think she's lying. December 24: 6". Snow packed so hard by snowplow, I broke the shovel. Thought I was having a heart attack. If I ever catch the son of a bitch who drives that snowplow, I'll drag him through the snow by his balls. I know he hides around the corner and waits for me to finish
shoveling and then he comes down the street at a 100 miles an hour and throws snow all over where I've just been! Tonight the wife wanted me to sing Christmas carols with her and open our presents, but I was busy watching for the goddamn snowplow. December 25: Merry Christmas. 20 more inches of the !=3D@x@!x!x1 . . . slop tonight. Snowed in. The idea of hoveling makes my blood boil. God I hate the snow! Then the snowplow driver came by asking for a donation and I hit him over the head with my shovel. The wife says I have a bad attitude. I think she's an idiot. If I have to watch "It's a Wonderful Life" one more time, I'm going to kill her. December 26: Still snowed in. Why the hell did I ever move here? It was all HER idea. She's really getting on my nerves. December 27: Temperature dropped to -30 and the pipes froze. December 28: Warmed up to above -50. Still snowed in. THE BITCH is driving me crazy!!!!! December 29: 10 more inches. Bob says I have to shovel the roof or it could cave in. That's the silliest thing I ever heard. How dumb does he think I am? December 30: Roof caved in. The snow plow driver is suing me for a million dollars. The wife went home to her mother. 9" predicted. December 31: Set fire to what's left of the house. No more hoveling! January 8: I feel sooo goood! I just love those little white pills they keep giving me.

Why am I tied to the bed?

============================== Cat Wisdom 1. Cats do what they want, when they want. 2. They rarely listen to you. 3. They're totally unpredictable. 4. They whine when they are not happy. 5. When you want to play they want to be alone. 6. When you want to be alone, they want to play. 7. They expect you to cater to their every whim. 8. They're moody. 9. They leave hair everywhere. 10. They drive you nuts. Conclusion: They're like little, tiny women in cheap fur coats. ======== F A burglar had been casing a particular house for some time. Finally, he saw the owners leave for what appeared to be on an extended camping trip. That night he broke in through a basement window and was trying to find his way in the dark when he heard what seemed to himto be the voice of a very old woman saying, "Shame on you! I see you, and Jesus sees you!" Startled, the burglar snarls back, "Shut up, Grandma, or you're gonna get hurt!" He shines his flashlight all around, but no Grandma. Again the voice, "Shame on you! I see you, and Jesus sees you!' Finally, the beam of the flashlight finds a large cage and in it a pretty upset parrot. Relieved, the burglar turns back around and starts toward the stairs, only to spot an enormous slavering doberman waiting at the top. Just then the parrot screams, "Sic 'em, Jesus!" ==================== The manager of a large office noticed a new man one day and told him to come into his office. "What is your name?" was the first thing the manager asked the new guy. "John," the new guy replied. The manager scowled, "Look, I don't know what kind of a mamby-pamby place you worked at before, but I don't call anyone by their first name. It breeds familiarity and that leads to a breakdown in authority. I refer to my employees by their last name only - Smith, Jones, Baker - that's all. I am to be referred to only as Mr. Robertson. Now that we got that straight, what is your last name?" The new guy sighed and said, "Darling. My name is John Darling." "Okay, John, the next thing I want to tell you is..." =========== A car was involved in an accident in a street. As expected, a large crowd gathered. A newspaper reporter anxious to get his story could not get near the car. Being a clever sort, he started shouting loudly, "Let me through! Let me through! I am the son of the victim." The crowd made way for him. Lying in front of the car was a donkey. ============== This little old lady goes to the Doctor and states that she has a problem that she needs help with. The Doctor ask what the problem is and she says: "everytime I am in a large group of people I have a tendency to pass gas, but the good thing about it is that it doesn't make any noise and I doesn't smell bad." The doctor says: " I think I can help you with that. I want you to take one of these pills every 4 hours for two weeks and come back and see me." Two weeks pass by and the lady returns and says: "Doctor you have to do something. These pills you gave me make me smell horrible." The Doctor says: " That's good. We got you nose cleared up, lets see if we can do something about your hearing." ========== A guy walks into a post office one day to see a middle-aged, balding man standing at the counter methodically placing "Love" stamps on bright pink envelopes with hearts all over them. He then takes out a perfume bottle and starts spraying scent all over them. His curiosity getting the better of him, he goes up to the balding man and asks him what he is doing. T he man says "I'm sending out 1,000 Valentine cards signed, 'Guess who?'" "But why?" asks the man. "I'm a divorce lawyer," the man replies. =========== A guy walks into a bar and sits down. He starts dialing numbers like there's a telephone in his hand, then puts his palm up against his cheek and begins talking. Suspicious, the bartender walks over and tells him this is a very tough neighborhood and he doesn't need any trouble here. The guy says, "You don't understand. I'm very hi-tech. I had a phone installed in my hand because I was tired of carrying the cellular." The bartender says "Prove it." The guy dials up a number and hands his hand to the bartender. The bartender talks into the hand and carries on a conversation. "That's incredible!" says the bartender. "I would never have believed it!" "Yeah", said the guy, "I can keep in touch with my broker, my wife, you name it. By the way, where is the men's room?" The bartender directs him to the men's room. The guy goes in and 5,10, 20 minutes go by and he doesn't return. Fearing the worst given the neighborhood, the bartender goes into the men's room to check on the guy. The guy is spread-eagled up against the wall. His pants are pulled down and he has a roll of toilet paper up his butt. Oh my god!" said the bartender. "Did they rob you? Are you hurt?" The guy turns and says: "No, no, I'm ok. I'm just waiting for a fax." ============ Ten Dollahs Stumpy Grinder and his wife Martha were from Portland, Maine. Every year they went to the Portland Fair, and every year Stumpy said " Ya know Mahtha, I'd like ta get a ride in that theah aihplane." and every year Martha would say "I know Stumpy, but that ihplane ride costs ten dollahs.... and ten dollahs is ten dollahs." So Stumpy says " By Jeebers Mahtha, I'm 71 yeahs old, if I don't go this time I may nevah go." Martha replies "Stumpy, that there aihplane ride is ten dollahs...and ten dollahs is ten dollahs." So the pilot overhears them and says " Folks, I'll make you a deal, I'll take you both up for a ride, if you can stay quiet for the entire ride and not say ONE word, I won't charge you, but just one word and it's ten dollars." They agree and up they go.... the pilot does all kinds of twists and turns, rolls and dives, but not a word is heard, he does it one more time, still nothing... so he lands. He turns to Stumpy as they come to a stop and says "By golly, I did everything I could think of to get you to holler out, but you didn't." And Stumpy replies " Well, I was gonna say something when Mahtha fell out...but ten dollahs is ten dollahs! =============== An Amish boy and his father were visiting a mall. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and back together again. The boy asked his father, "What is this, Father?" The father (never having seen an elevator) responded "Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life, I don't know what it is." While the boy and his father were watching wide-eyed an old lady in a wheelchair rolled up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched small circles of lights with numbers above the walls light up. They continued to watch the circles light up in the reverse direction. The walls opened up again and a beautiful 24-year-old woman stepped out. The father, not taking his eyes off the young woman, said quietly to his son, "Go get your Mother." ===================== The most unfair thing about life is the way it ends. I mean, life is tough. It takes up a lot of your time. What do you get at the end of it? Death. What's that, a bonus? I think the life cycle is all backwards. You should die first, get it out of the way. Then you live in an old age home. You get kicked out when you're too young, you get a gold watch, you go to work. You work forty years until you're young enough to enjoy your retirement. You do drugs, alchohol, you party, you get ready for high school. You go to grade school, you become a kid, you play, you have no responsibilities, you become a little baby, you go back into the womb, you spend your last nine months warm, happy,and floating... You finish off as an orgasm. ============== An elderly couple was sitting together watching television. During a commercial, the husband asked his wife, "Whatever happened to our sexual relations?" After a long thoughtful silence and during the next commercial, the wife replied, "You know, I don't know. I don't even think we got a Christmas card from them this year." ============ David received a parrot for his birthday. The parrot was fully grown with a bad attitude and worse vocabulary. Every other word was an expletive. Those that weren't expletives, were to say the least, rude. David tried hard to change the bird's attitude and was constantly saying polite words, playing soft music, anything he could think of to try and set a good example... Nothing worked. He yelled at the bird and the bird yelled back. He shook the bird and the bird just got more angry and more rude. Finally, in a moment of desperation, David put the parrot in the freezer. For a few moments he heard the bird squawk and kick and scream - then suddenly, there was quiet. Not a sound for half a minute. David was frightened that he might have hurt the bird and quickly opened the freezer door. The parrot calmly stepped out onto David's extended arm and said, "I believe I may have offended you with my rude language and actions. I will endeavor at once to correct my behavior. I really am truly sorry and beg your forgiveness." David was astonished at the bird's change in attitude and was about to ask what had made such a dramatic change when the parrot continued, "May I ask what the chicken did?" [note: parrot saw frozen chickens in freezer] ========== Ole and Lena were sitting down to their usual cup of morning coffee listening to the weather report coming over the radio. "There will be 3 to 5 inches of snow today and a snow emergency has been declared. You must park your cars on the odd numbered side of the streets." Ole got up from his coffee and replies "Jeez, okay." Two days later, again they both are sitting down with their cups of morning coffee and the weather forecast is, "There will be 2 to 4 inches of snow today and a snow emergency has been declared. You must park your cars on the even numbered side of the streets." Ole got up from his coffee and replies, "Jeez, okay." Three days later, again they both are sitting down with their cups of coffee and the weather forecast is, "There will be 6 to 8 inches of snow today and a snow emergency has been declared. You must park your cars on the..." and then the power went out and Ole didn't get the rest of the instructions. He says to Lena, "Jeez, what am I going to do now, Lena?" Lena replies, "Aw, Ole, yust leave the car in the garage." ============= "Mr. Quinn, I have reviewed this case very carefully," the divorce court judge said, "and I've decided to give your wife $775 a week." "That's very fair, your honor," the husband said. "And every now and then I'll try to send her a few bucks myself." ==================================== Cher Tech Support, J'ai promu de l'petit ami 5,0 au mari 1,0 et ai noté l'année dernière que le nouveau programme a commencé à faire les changements inattendus au logiciel de comptabilité; sévèrement limitant l'accès aux applications de garde-robe, de fleur et de bijoux qui ont fonctionné flawlessly sous l'petit ami 5,0. Aucune mention de ce phénomène n'a été incluse dans la brochure de produit. En outre, les uninstalls du mari 1,0 beaucoup d'autres programmes d'objet de valeur tels que DinnerDancing 7,5, CruiseShip 2,3, et OperaNight 6,1 et installe de nouveaux, indésirables programmes tels que PokerNight 1,3, SaturdayFootball 5,0, le golf 2,4 et la conversation 8,0 de ClutterEverywhere 4,5, ne fonctionne plus, et se brise invariablement le système. Dans aucunes circonstances le vouloir courent DiaperChanging 14,1 ou HouseCleaning 2,6. J'ai essayé courir harcelant 5,3 pour fixer le mari 1,0, mais c'est utilité polyvalente est de l'efficacité limitée. Pouvez vous aider, satisfaire!!!! Cher Jane: C'est les femmes très communes d'un problème se plaignent environ, mais elle est la plupart du temps due à une idée fausse primaire. Mise à niveau de beaucoup de gens de l'petit ami 5,0 au mari 1,0 sans l'idée que l'petit ami 5,0 est simplement un paquet de DIVERTISSEMENT. Cependant, le mari 1,0 est un LOGICIEL D'EXPLOITATION et a été conçu par son créateur pour courir en tant que peu d'applications que possible. De plus, vous ne pouvez pas purger le mari 1,0 et retourner à l'petit ami 5,0, parce que le mari 1,0 n'est pas conçu pour faire ceci. Les dossiers de fonctionnement cachés dans votre système feraient émuler l'petit ami 5,0 le mari 1,0, ainsi rien n'est gagné. Il est impossible à l'uninstall, effacement, ou purger les dossiers de programme du système, une fois qu'installé. Tous les nouveaux dossiers de programme peuvent seulement être installés une fois par an, car le mari 1,0 a sévèrement limité la mémoire. Les messages d'erreur sont communs, et une partie normale du mari 1,0. Dans le désespoir pour jouer certaines de leurs applications préférées de " vieux temps ", ou pour obtenir de nouvelles applications pour travailler, quelques femmes ont essayé d'installer l'petit ami 6,0, ou le mari 2,0. Cependant, ces femmes finissent vers le haut avec plus de problèmes que produits avec le mari 1,0. Regarder en votre manuel sous des " avertissements: Appui De Divorce/Child ". Vous noterez que ce programme fonctionne très mal, et vient empaqueté avec HeartBreak 1,3. Je vous recommande le mari 1,0 de subsistance, et apprends juste les caprices de ce système étrange et illogique. Avoir le mari 1,0 s'est installé, je pourrait également suggérer que vous ayez lu la section entière concernant les défauts de société en nom collectif [ GPFs ]. C'est un dispositif merveilleux du mari 1,0, secrètement installé par la société mère comme partie intégrale du logiciel d'exploitation. Le mari 1,0 doit assumer TOUTE LA responsabilité de TOUS LES défauts et problèmes, indépendamment de la cause de racine. Pour activer ce grand dispositif: de C écrire commande " \ J'AI PENSÉ que VOUS M'AVEZ AIMÉ ". déchire parfois 6,2 devez être courus simultanément tout en écrivant la commande. Le mari 1,0 devrait alors courir les applications font des excuses 12,3 et Flowers/Chocolates 7,8. TIP DE TECHNOLOGIE! Éviter l'utilisation excessive de ce dispositif. Overuse peut créer GPFs additionnel et plus sérieux, et finalement VOUS pouvez devoir donner: de C \ Je FAIS DES EXCUSES commande avant que le système revienne aux opérations normales que l'overuse peut également causer le mari 1,0 au défaut à GrumpySilence 2,5, ou plus mauvais encore, à la bière 6,0. La bière 6,0 est un programme très mauvais qui fait créer le mari 1,0 les dossiers de dossiers de FatBelly et de vague de SnoringLoudly il est très difficile de supprimer que. Économiser vous-même un certain ennui en suivant cette technologie inclinent! Se rappeler juste! Le système fonctionnera sans à-coup, et prend le blâme pour tout le GPFs, mais en raison de ce dispositif fin il peut seulement par intermittence courir toutes les applications que l'petit ami 5,0 a courues. Le mari 1,0 est un grand programme, mais il a limité la mémoire et ne peut pas apprendre de nouvelles applications rapidement. Considérer acheter le logiciel additionnel pour améliorer l'exécution. Je recommande personnellement HotFood 3,0, lingerie 5,3 et patience 10,1. Utilisé dans la conjonction, ces utilités peuvent vraiment aider à continuer le mari 1,0 fonctionner sans à-coup. Après que plusieurs années d'utilisation, le mari 1,0 devienne familier et vous trouverez beaucoup de dispositifs inclus valables tels que FixBrokenThings 2,1, Snuggling 4,2 et BestFriend 7,6. Un mot final d'attention! Pas , dans aucune circonstance, installer MotherInLaw 1,0. Ce n'est pas une application soutenue, et causera l'arrêt sélectif du logiciel d'exploitation. Le mari 1,0 courra pêcher seulement 9,4 et la chasse 5,2 jusqu'à ce que MotherInLaw 1,0 soit uninstalled. J'espère que ces notes ont aidé. Merci du choix pour installer le mari 1,0 et nous ici au souhait de soutien de technologie vous le meilleur de la chance en prochaines années. Nous faisons confiance que vous apprendrez à apprécier entièrement ce produit! ============================ Dear Tech Support, Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed that the new program began making unexpected changes to the accounting software; severely limiting access to wardrobe, flower and jewelry applications that operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0. No mention of this phenomenon was included in the product brochure. In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalls many other valuable programs such as DinnerDancing 7.5, CruiseShip 2.3, and OperaNight 6.1 and installs new, undesirable programs such as PokerNight 1.3, SaturdayFootball 5.0, Golf 2.4 and ClutterEverywhere 4.5. Conversation 8.0 no longer runs, and invariably crashes the system. Under no circumstances will it run DiaperChanging 14.1 or HouseCleaning 2.6. I've tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix Husband 1.0, but this is all purpose utility is of limited effectiveness. Can you help, please!!!! Dear Jane: This is a very common problem women complain about, but it is mostly due to a primary misconception. Many people upgrade from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 with no idea that Boyfriend 5.0 is merely an ENTERTAINMENT package. However, Husband 1.0 is an OPERATING SYSTEM and was designed by its creator to run as few applications as possible. Further, you cannot purge Husband 1.0 and return to Boyfriend 5.0, because Husband 1.0 is not designed to do this. Hidden operating files within your system would cause Boyfriend 5.0 to emulate Husband 1.0, so nothing is gained. It is impossible to uninstall, delete, or purge the program files from the system, once installed. Any new program files can only be installed once per year, as Husband 1.0 has severely limited memory. Error messages are common, and a normal part of Husband 1.0. In desperation to play some of their "old time" favorite applications, or to get new applications to work, some women have tried to install Boyfriend 6.0, or Husband 2.0. However, these women end up with more problems than encountered with Husband 1.0. Look in your manual under "Warnings: Divorce/Child Support". You will notice that this program runs very poorly, and comes bundled with HeartBreak 1.3. I recommend you keep Husband 1.0, and just learn the quirks of this strange and illogical system. Having Husband 1.0 installed myself, I might also suggest you read the entire section regarding General Partnership Faults [GPFs]. This is a wonderful feature of Husband 1.0, secretly installed by the parent company as an integral part of the operating system. Husband 1.0 must assume ALL responsibility for ALL faults and problems, regardless of root cause. To activate this great feature enter the command "C:\ I THOUGHT YOU LOVED ME". Sometimes Tears 6.2 must be run simultaneously while entering the command. Husband 1.0 should then run the applications Apologize 12.3 and Flowers/Chocolates 7.8. TECH TIP! Avoid excessive use of this feature. Overuse can create additional and more serious GPFs, and ultimately YOU may have to give a C:\ I APOLOGIZE command before the system will return to normal operations. overuse can also cause Husband 1.0 to default to GrumpySilence 2.5, or worse yet, to Beer 6.0. Beer 6.0 is a very bad program that causes Husband 1.0 to create FatBelly files and SnoringLoudly wave files that are very hard to delete. Save yourself some trouble by following this tech tip! Just remember! The system will run smoothly, and take the blame for all GPFs, but because of this fine feature it can only intermittently run all the applications Boyfriend 5.0 ran. Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have limited memory and cannot learn new applications quickly. Consider buying additional software to improve performance. I personally recommend HotFood 3.0, Lingerie 5.3 and Patience 10.1. Used in conjunction, these utilities can really help keep Husband 1.0 running smoothly. After several years of use, Husband 1.0 will become familiar and you will find many valuable embedded features such as FixBrokenThings 2.1, Snuggling 4.2 and BestFriend 7.6. A final word of caution! Do NOT, under any circumstances, install MotherInLaw 1.0. This is not a supported application, and will cause selective shutdown of the operating system. Husband 1.0 will run only Fishing 9.4 and Hunting 5.2 until MotherInLaw 1.0 is uninstalled. I hope these notes have helped. Thank you for choosing to install Husband 1.0 and we here at Tech Support wish you the best of luck in coming years. We trust you will learn to fully enjoy this product!
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This page is dated February 2002