SmartPeoples Guide

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Airline Announcements

Occasionally, airline attendants make an effort to make the "in-flight safety lecture" and their other announcements a bit more entertaining. Here are some real examples that have been heard or reported:

1. From a Southwest Airlines employee...."There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only four ways out of this airplane..."

2. Pilot - "Folks, we have reached our cruising altitude now, so I am going to switch the seat belt sign off. Feel free to move about as you wish, but please stay inside the plane till we's a bit cold outside, and if you walk on the wings it affects the flight pattern."

3. After landing: "Thank you for flying Delta Business Express. We hope you enjoyed giving us the business as much as we enjoyed taking you for a ride."

4. As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at Washington National, a lone voice comes over the loudspeaker: "Whoa, big fella. WHOA!"

5. After a particularly rough landing during thunderstorms in Memphis, a flight attendant on a Northwest flight announced: "Please take care when opening the overhead compartments because, after a landing like that, sure as hell everything has shifted."

6. From a Southwest Airlines employee ... "Welcome aboard Southwest Flight XXX to YYY. To operate your seatbelt, insert the metal tab into the buckle, and pull tight. It works just like every other seatbelt and if you don't know how to operate one, you probably shouldn't be out in public unsupervised. In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, oxygen masks will descend from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over your face. If you have a small child traveling with you, secure your mask before assisting with theirs. If you are traveling with two small children, decide now which one you love more."

7. "Weather at our destination is 50 degrees with some broken clouds, but they'll try to have them fixed before we arrive. Thank you, and remember, nobody loves you or your money, more than Southwest Airlines."

8. "Your seat cushions can be used for flotation and in the event of an emergency water landing, please take them with our compliments."

9. "As you exit the plane, please make sure to gather all of your belongings. Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the flight attendants. Please do not leave children or spouses."

10. "Last one off the plane must clean it."

11. From the pilot during his welcome message: "We are pleased to have some of the best flight attendants in the industry ... unfortunately none of them are on this flight...!"

12. Overheard on an American Airlines flight into Amarillo, Texas, on a particularly windy and bumpy day. During the final approach, the Captain was really having to fight it After an extremely hard landing, the Flight Attendant came on the PA and announced, "Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to Amarillo. Please remain in your seats with your seatbelts fastened while the Captain taxis what's left of our airplane to the gate!"

13. Another flight Attendant's comment on a less than perfect landing: "We ask you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to the terminal."

14. An airline pilot wrote that on this particular flight he had hammered his ship into the runway really hard. The airline had a policy which required the first officer to stand at the door while the passengers exited, smile, and give them a "Thanks for flying XYZ airline." He said that in light of his bad landing, he had a hard time looking the passengers in the eye, thinking that someone would have a smart comment. Finally, everyone had gotten off except for this little old lady walking with a cane. She said, "Sonny, mind if I as you a question?" "Why no, Ma'am," said the pilot, "What is it?" The little old lady said, "Did we land or were we shot down?"

15. After a real crusher of a landing in Phoenix, the Flight Attendant came on with, "Ladies and Gentlemen, please remain in your seats until Captain and the Crash Crew have brought the aircraft to a screeching halt up against the gate. And, once the tire smoke has cleared and the warning bells are silenced, we'll open the door and you can pick your way through the wreckage to the terminal."

16. Part of a Flight Attendant's arrival announcement: "We'd like to thank you folks for flying with us today. And, the next time you get the insane urge to go blasting through the skies in a pressurized metal tube, we hope you'll think of us here at US Airways."

Hello . . . airline and airport

  • Do you think we like being hit by luggage getting on and off planes ? Ever had luggage from overhead hit you coming down ?

  • Can people be afforded the time to walk between planes?

  • Are there people issues versus airline policy / schedules ?

  • Are you serving people or cattle; why herd people from plane to plane ?

  • Can policy / regulations force change on gate distance versus terminal travel time versus flight schedules ?

  • Why shove snacks and not real food ?

  • If no time to serve food, can airlines give us picnic bags at boarding time to eat at leisure ?

  • Services Comments:

    There is room for improvement.

    Please . . . continue to keep people advised . . . you get plus marks here. Provide questionnaires on how to improve your service. Provide facts related to previous questions and comments from your passengers , , , we can provide meaningful assistance if given the opportunity.

    Airline management addresses are missing on tickets / folders . . . is someone afraid to get comments?

    If management cannot take the time, at least give Customer Service / Human Relations addresses, e-mail addresses and/or telephone numbers.

    People want to receive humane treatment . . . while being rushed-from-point-to-point . . . they deserve to be treated like your favorite friends, mothers, uncle, grandfather (got the idea?) even while making profits.

    DELTA AIRLINES . . . what are you doing to HELP a customers? He has flown over a million miles with you and you treat him like he does not exist. See his story . . . a retired man gets shafted by DELTA.

    AMERICAN AIRLINES . . . what are you doing to HELP a customers? Here is a tale from a mishandled customer:
    I would like to register a complaint againt American Airlines and the Windham Hotel In Ft. Lauderdale, Florida.

    May 7th 2004 I had to take an emergency flight out to Puerto Rico due to a death in the family. I had a connecting flight in Ft. Lauderdale to San Juan. My Flight number was 2045 From Laguardia to Ft. Lauderdale, then from Ft. Lauderdale to San Juan.

    My flight to Ft. Lauderdale was scheduled to leave at 4:05pm from New York that Friday, May 7th. Because of engine trouble the flight did not leave until 5:15 pm for Ft. Lauderdale. That was not the problem. I arrived at Ft. Lauderdale at 8:30pm becuase of the delays. I asked the attendant on duty at American counter that night where I can catch my connecting flight. She told me that the flight I was supposed to take to San Juan left at 7:20pm. I had missed it.

    I asked her what I had to do. She told me to hang on a moment. This American Airlines employee was taking a flight to New York as I stand there on the verge of tears and she was more interested in hearing all about his life and flirting with him instead of helping me.

    I was in a strange city alone. I needed help. I interuppted her flirtation and she seemed a little annoyed, I asked her if she was going to help me. she told me once again "In a moment", as she kept asking her friend if he was going to buy her a present.

    45 minutes later I asked her again, can she help me. she told me that she would have to put me up at the Windham Hotel all she had to do was print me up a voucher. I saw her calling someplace which I thought was the Windham Hotel she gave them my name and told them that I would have to be placed there for the night due to American Airline flight trouble. She hung up and continued flirting and playing with this man.

    Well then she had to leave for someplace and she set off the alarm that the "friend" reset. she came back 10 minutes later and asked "Oh did I do that?" Her friend told her he reset the alarm and security came and made sure everything was Ok. Which it was as far as American Airlines security was concerned. But I was still standing there no further than I was one hour prior when I landed and asked for help.

    Then to add to my aggrivation and frustration. She called the Windham Hotel, gave them my name and told me that she had no time to print me out a voucher. She told me that I had to go to the front of the airport, leaving the security area to get a voucher from American Airlines desk up front. Stupid, Stupid me, I trusted her and I went to the front... and to my amazment, there was nobody at the counter. I asked the security personnel if they knew where anyone was from American Airlines, one gentleman said they all went home for the night. I explained what was going on and they told me to go back to the same attendant and demand my voucher.

    I saw a counter for Continental and they didn't want to help me once I mentioned American Airlines. They told me only American can help me. That I should wait to see anyone from American and ask them to help me to get my much deserved voucher. That went over like expelling gas in church.

    At this point no-one is letting me back in to see the attendant who just left me out to fend for myself in a town I have never been in. Someone told me to call the Windham Hotel. With no area code or town I was in, it was a very hard task, but I completed my task. The person who picked up the phone at the Windham Hotel seemed very caring and I explained everything in tears. Not after spending about $3.00 in calls on a pay phone. He asked if I was crying I told him I was and he said there was no reason to cry, that they would help me. NOT!!!

    He sent a van to get me and another couple who had a simular problem. The only difference was that they got a printed voucher form Continetal and they would not do that for me. So we went on the Windham van together comparing stories. We arrived at the Windham Hotel and I told the man at the front desk that American had called in my name, but as they told me "they were to busy to print me out a voucher" he let me go no further, before cutting me off and asking for a voucher. I tried to explain to him what I was experiencing but he told me that he could not talk to me without a voucher.

    He said he only got one call for a family in distress and that was the couple behind me and all he could do was give me rates. I tried to tell him that American had called the Windham and gave my name. He said I was not telling the truth. He had gotten no call. I explained that I saw and heard the attendant for my self. He said very rudely all he could do is give me rates and unless I had a printed voucher he could not even talk to me. I had no money other than $100.00 and I needed that to get from San Juan to Yauco on taxi when I got to Puerto Rico. I could not spend a dime. He didn't want to hear me unless I had a voucher. I just broke down crying. I told him that I would be staying in the lobby because I had no place to go and no money. He told me that he would have me removed forcefully need be.

    My brother works for security in Orlando airport for American and he was mortified at Americans actions and the Windham Actions towards me as was I have never been treated so inhuman in my life. All I could do was cry. My brother called one of my cousin's I haven't spoken to or seen in 15 years and she came and picked me up and I stood the night at her house until the next morning to get on my 7:00am flight number 1511 to San Juan.

    Never in my life have I been treated so badly by a major airline and a major hotel. I was already distraught becuase of the death in the family and could not handle what was going on with American and the Windham. I was beside myself. I cannot belive that American Airlines hire people that represent your company in such a disgusting manor. I expect to be compansated for my troubles and suffering. I will let everyone know exactly how your emoployees treat there customers in the very time of need. The attendants felt it more important to flirt and play with a male co-worker rather than take 3 minutes and print me out a voucher so I had someplace to sleep for the night that they were supposed to provide by no fault of my own.

    I am livid with your airline and the way they treated me, "the consumer" and I will forward this on to consumer affairs and anyone else that will listen and register this complaint. American Airlines used to be such a great airline. Well now it has turned to crap. I expect to be compensated for my troubles cause by no fault of my own. You should be embarrassed at your employees actions. I know my brother was as was I. My husband was fuming to know I was all alone in a town I have never been in and that you can treat me in such a horrible manner. I expect you to corresponde either by e-mail or letter to: D. L. W. Coram NY 11727

    Very upset and disgusted

    Hello Delta once again . . .
    My family went to orlando on vacation on 4-4-1999 leaving Bradley International Airport at 7am the man who took our luggage said who was going to take care of us . . . putting out his hand. Afraid he was going to lose our luggage we gave him $10:00. I was very shocked and disturbed that Delta would let these things go on. It is not often my family gets to go on a family vacation. It was a very bad way to start this one. I wish the airlines would keep a better eye on the employees working for them. We have no problem tipping when apropiate. I wonder how many other people he ripped off that day . . . I will think twice about flying with Delta again.[Frencie says, "Notify Delta people/security people IMMEDIATELY.]

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    This page is dated January 2002.